feelings

overheard

“It’s a small one. Smaller than the others, but it’s staying.”

These words filtered through my window as the repair guys measured and argued outside my office. Despite the fact their discussion was infinitely more interesting than the invoices I was paying, their words lingered because it’s something my parents might have overheard at the hospital 35 years ago.

I was a small one. (2lb 6oz) (3 months early). Smaller than the others (other children born at that time, my other siblings). But I was staying.

Windows and babies. Two things not normally paired together. Unless, I guess, you were at a hospital and peering at the babies in the nursery through a window. Or you were my parents (or any parents) and your newborn was in the NICU and you studied the babe within the plastic bubble cradle.

Or you had two men with salty language outside your day job window and eavesdropping lead your mind down this twisty path of memories both real and hearsay.

feelings, travel

snapshots of panama

Airplane view: ships lining up to enter the canal. Waves lining up to crash ashore.

Driving over the Panama Canal in the golden sunlight.

Puffs of dust clearing to reveal boys playing futbol.

Carnival: Half-dressed women, musically inclined men, alcohol and water flowing freely.

Carnival: Fish scales and smoky meat and ceviche in plastic tupperware and shady spots out of the blasting sunshine and $1 beers.

Margaritas so strong you remember the night you stopped drinking them.

Sustained 25mph winds that make 78 degrees feel chilly. Warding off the chill with only a scarf wrapped around your shoulders.

Using your phone as a camera only. Thick, salty, wind blown hair.

Familiar faces making an unfamiliar setting recognizable.

Air dried hair. Sunscreen as foundation and bug spray as makeup. Sunglasses. Chapstick.

Getting more smiles than stink-eyes from 2yo V. Rooming with 4yo O. Reading Curious George 4x a day.

Learning life hacks; bathroom edition. Dumb questions and honest answers and genuine support in the face of a dirty task and laughter and success.

Measuring my steps not via FitBit but by high tide (100) and low tide (500).

Swimming adrenaline junkie style. Accidentally unleashing helicopter and motor boat rescue efforts.

Thoughts of Camp Nyoda swim lessons keeping you calm in the face of a crazy current.

Getting the chance to experience your friends living their new life.

No water, no electricity, but, a house full of problem solvers.

Beach day. Showering in the ocean. Bravely battling but ultimately losing the fight against the waves and seaweed.

Carnival: night edition. Fancy dresses, glittering head pieces, dancing in the street, drums, a yodel that sounds like a mountain goat’s mating call, shots of Seco, cold beer.

Sandy feet, sandy beds, sandy floors, sand dollars, beach living.

Homemade meals, dishes for 7 done in a tiny sink with limited water and even more limited drying rack space. Using my dishwashing powers for good.

Plantains. Fried. Grilled. With honey. With aioli.

Broken Spanish. Clear intentions. Communication achieved.

Roadside fruit stands with limited, but the freshest most delicious produce imaginable. Frozen pipa. Not there or not available in terms we recognized.

Drinks in the afternoon, in the evening, in the least-windy-corner of the patio.

Secrets shared, personality quirks explained, friendships deepening as quickly as the setting sun.

Kickball competitions with O, the broom being an important tool, sticker books, the human body as a jungle gym, I spy, V’s gymnastic movements.

Well water excursions, grocery store adventures, sharing bills.

Panama brand beer (not delicious), Soberana brand beer (delicious), Balboa brand beer (delicious), ecto cooler lime juice margaritas, gin&tonics not made with Bacardi, Seco with muddled oranges or grapefruit + pineapple juices, instant coffee.

Pushing your limits emotionally, physically, gastro-intestinely.

The hammock. The beloved orange hammock gently swinging in the wind. Cat naps.

Rising with the sun (thanks, V Bird) (thanks, O Man), throwing open all the windows and doors, brightening the house and doubling its size.

L and N absolutely killing it with their driving (N) and navigational (L) skills. Me, quiet in the backseat taking it all in, wishing I had 1/8th of either of those skills. Learning the Google Maps app trick.

Memories tucked into my pockets with seashells and grains of sand.

feelings

inferior decorating

I thought it was the hammering that scared me because I didn’t want to scar a wall with 25 billion holes or cause a racket so loud as to disturb my neighbors. There was also the measuring/math needed. Blank walls were minimalist and I liked that my apartment wasn’t cluttered. Truth be told, I didn’t care/notice the blank walls.

Plus, there was the fact I didn’t plan to be here very long. *side eyes real estate market*

It was pointed out to me that maybe the temporary feeling of my apartment was infiltrating my heart. And besides, a few nail holes in the wall are an easy patch job. They are not the sign of a demon tenant. Maybe adding a few things to make the apartment feel like a home – my home – would keep the dark nighttime shadows away. (That and a vow to stop watching scary (for me) TV shows before bed.)

(The person who did the pointing out is a professional in case that wasn’t obvious by her spot on assessment of my ridiculous thought patterns.)

And so I youtubed “how to hang a picture.” The resulting video made it seem so easy. I read an article about gallery walls and arranging the smaller pictures within a larger pattern. “I’ve got this,” I thought and pulled out came the frames I wanted began arranging them on the floor. I drew a not-to-scale diagram on stationary left over from my first full time job. Memories old and new swirled as I jostled the pictures into a variety of placements.

Out came the flower powered tool kit my godmother gave me and I got even further down to work.

I measured each picture, then the entire arrangement. I glanced at the spot I intended to hang the pictures and it was growing in size, looming larger than it had when I started this project.

All forward momentum stalled.

My mom’s response to my SOS was advice was dolled out in texts too long to fit on one screen. She echoed the Lowe’s video, but I was now a body at rest. (Hello, Newton’s Laws. Thank you, High School Science Class.)

Then she said:

FullSizeRender

The idea of plotting out the exact layout on paper first, of putting pencil to paper, of writing a rough draft first, of making my mistakes on paper rather than the wall resonated with the oversized “play it safe” portion of my brain.

Of course I misjudged and bought just shy of enough poster board but was already back from the store and I had to scrounge up 6 blank notebook pages to tape around the edges and then the whole thing measured right but was way bigger than the area I’d laid the pictures on before but I kept the momentum and traced and eyeballed and measured again and vertigo and marked out the nail/picture hook spots on the poster board and taped the skeleton on the wall and shifted it left and stepped back and shifted it further left and stepped back and pulled the right side higher and stepped back and shrugged my shoulders.

The package of hooks open with a thump thump thump of my heart. The hammer sang.

There was a terror of adrenaline, a thrill in making a mark, a strangely cavalier taste in my mouth after all that planning.

Adjustments were made as reality replaced pencil marks. Two pictures needed multiple passes, and I bent a hook past the point of usability, and lost a nail, and discovered a colony of dust bunnies behind the couch, but overall, nothing tragic happened.

 

gallery wall

Nothing epic happened either.

I mean, come on, it’s clearly not perfect, but there’s satisfaction in the concreteness of what my hands can do. And now, the art created by others (mostly) for me has transformed into another art form. They’ve risen to a higher plane.

As have I knowing I’m capable of more than I thought.

convos with strangers

conversations with strangers #123

1.6.16

This particular street is very difficult to cross due to its high traffic levels and speed limit. Essentially, you have to wait for the light to change.There are four points of crosswalk entry, and at each one, the button to push that will allow you to cross is not the normal squishy kind. It’s stiff and has limited motion and the only way you know it’s working is if a little red light goes on. As far as I can tell, the red light only goes on if you’re the first pedestrian to register in. So, despite one’s insistent pushing, the red light might not go on because it’s on elsewhere or it might be that you haven’t found the right angle to trigger the system. All you can do is wait and wonder.

A woman walked up 30 seconds after I finished the routine of pressing, pounding, yelling at the light switch. After another minute of cars whooshing by, I stepped back over to the switch and tried again. No red light signaling it accepted my request, but there were people waiting at two of the other crosswalk entry points. After two more minutes, I prepared to either frogger my way across the street or start the whole light switch thing all over again. As I shifted towards the light switch…

Her: *half smiles at my efforts* Did it catch?

Me: Not yet. But the light doesn’t always go on. This is so temperamental.

Her: Let me try.

Me: Go for it.

*red light illuminates* *traffic light immediately flips to yellow*

Me: Yay! Nice work.

Her: Sometimes you have to work it.

Me: I’m glad you were able to!

And with the crosswalk signal lighting the way, I was one step closer to the office / work day.

feelings

party bus

party bus

How do you turn a converted school bus into a PARTY bus? 🎉🚌

Fill it with your best buddies, beer and wine and nips, and snacks, and crank up the tunes. The only way I can explain the explosion of fun that was Saturday night is to let the divine playlist do the talking:

“You ready, Biv? I’m ready, Slick, are you?” (POISON, Bell Biv Devoe)

“Tonight let’s enjoy life…” (GIVE ME EVERYTHING, Pitbull)

“Go, Shorty. It’s your birthday…” (IN DA CLUB, 50 Cent)

“Look how I drive, look at my ride, when [we] go by, smoke in your eyes…” (WTF, Missy Elliott)

“[We’re] headed downtown, cruising through the alley…” (DOWNTOWN, Macklemore)

“Bright as the sun, [we] wanna have some fun..” (SHOOP, Salt ‘N’ Pepa)

“Everybody wants a thrill…” (DON’T STOP BELIEVING, Journey)

“You’re with a winner so baby you can’t lose…” (IT’S GETTING HOT IN HERRE, Nelly)

“Clock strikes upon the hour and the sun begins to fade…” (I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY, Whitney Houston)

“Who will dance on the floor…” (BILLIE JEAN, Michael Jackson)

“[We] got the moves like Jagger…” (MOVES LIKE JAGGER, Maroon 5)

“Stay on the streets of this town…we’re just dancing in the dark.” (DANCING IN THE DARK, Bruce Springsteen)

“Girls just wanna have fun…” (GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN, Cindie Lauper)

“[We’re] so fancy, you already know, [we’re] in the fast lane…” (FANCY, Iggy Azalea)

“Ain’t nothing gonna break [our] stride. Nobody gonna slow [us] down…” (BREAK MY STRIDE, Matthew Wilder)

“You gotta bounce to this like this…” (HEARTBREAKER, Mariah Carey)

“Someone who knows how to ride without even falling off…” (PONY, Ginuwine)

“We’re yelling T-I-M-B-E-R!!!!” (TIMBER, Pitbull)

“Bye bye bye…” (BYE BYE BYE, N’Sync)

Yup.

And this is just a taste of the songs that had us defying gravity and the laws of motion for three hours as we danced on a swaying/bumpy/jerky vehicle, reminisced about the times we first heard these songs, sang at the tops of our lungs, and added a zillion more memories to my full to near bursting heart.