thoughts become huge monsters. worries bust out of the shadows. everything is quiet outside but inside, my mind screams. i jiggle my legs as if that could banish the thoughts from my head. problems grow razor edged tips. my heart hammers. in fact, that’s what originally woke me up. the thudding of my pulse in my neck, my brain, my toes. i breathe in the chilly air. i breathe out. everything swirls and all i can do is lie there with my eyes open. eyes closed. mind never stopping its churning. i get up. take care of a few internet things as if that will help subdue the thoughts in my head. the glow of the monitor is harsh and demanding and i retreat to the safety of my covers. more hours pass. i’ve given up trying to sleep and would just like to breathe normally, think calmly.
and finally, in the light of day, my pulse careens into a slower rhythm. is it because i worried myself ragged or does the weak sunshine reveal a unique clarity?