Archive for February, 2015

in the dark of the night

February 17, 2015

thoughts become huge monsters. worries bust out of the shadows. everything is quiet outside but inside, my mind screams. i jiggle my legs as if that could banish the thoughts from my head. problems grow razor edged tips. my heart hammers. in fact, that’s what originally woke me up. the thudding of my pulse in my neck, my brain, my toes. i breathe in the chilly air. i breathe out. everything swirls and all i can do is lie there with my eyes open. eyes closed. mind never stopping its churning. i get up. take care of a few internet things as if that will help subdue the thoughts in my head. the glow of the monitor is harsh and demanding and i retreat to the safety of my covers. more hours pass. i’ve given up trying to sleep and would just like to breathe normally, think calmly.

and finally, in the light of day, my pulse careens into a slower rhythm. is it because i worried myself ragged or does the weak sunshine reveal a unique clarity?

like daughter like father

February 11, 2015

my dad has an ipad and only an ipad, so i was instructed to facetime him by contacting him through his email address. it rang and rang and then said he was unavailable for facetime. i clicked on the “leave a (text) message.”



i need to facetime better.

i did what i always do. i went to my mom for help. i’d tried his email. i’d tried his hospital room. no answer and now i was afraid to call in case i dialed some wrong number again and/or he was asleep. she said she’d have dad call me. he did, but i spent the majority of the conversation looking at the wall and not his handsome face.


dad needs to learn how to facetime better.


February 9, 2015

it’s been a day full of snow and waiting.

a pre-op photo showcased my dad’s legs at an angle i’d never viewed them from. i was surprised to realize i have his legs. he may be 6’4″ and i may be 5’4″, but our legs are the same shape. if only he could have also bestowed his sense of direction and mathematical abilities on me as well.

and now, the snow continues, but the waiting has stopped with the news that my dad made it through his double knee surgery replacement like a champ. *heaves sigh of relief*

view point

February 7, 2015

her: *holds left leg* just push up.

me: *completes headstand*

her: have you done this before?

me: in life, yes. in yoga, no.

as she left me to my own upside down devices, i realized the world truly does look different upside down.

outside as the snowflakes of the marathon storm (a predicted 85 hours of snow) floated softly down and landed on my puffy black coat, i reveled in how beautiful the world is in black and white.

as i stood on my counter in a desperate attempt to change the light bulb of a fixture on a 12 foot tall ceiling, i found the world truly does look different from up above everything else.

battle gear

February 6, 2015

this day threatened and taunted and poked and prodded. it was a tornado of icy air and miscommunication and this platter of brownies* and get everything done and i just wanted to lie flat on the ground out of the destruction zone. the neverending bus ride left me with one slice of pizza and no company and no thai food and disappointment and salt residue caked on my boots. there was nothing to do but ride it out.

and┬áthen, N’s endless smile zapped the thundercloud over my head and it rained familiarity and warmth. a longtime friend of hers became a new friend of mine as we finally met after years of hearing each other’s names. we made another new friend in the form of a sincere, genuine, and enthusiastic author whose words, life lessons, and story hummed around the room. (the wine and chocolate didn’t hurt either.)

book talk over, we three girls wrapped our hands around warm white mugs splashed with color from the tea inside. we could have been preparing to dye easter eggs, instead, we were preparing for love.

i’m ending the night with words, this untouched platter of brownies*, and a heart full of possibility.

*the brownies (allegedly one of my best batches ever) were for my mechanic, but after carting them around the past two days each time the plumber called me back to my apartment (in hopes the mechanic would call simultaneously with the news my car was ready and i could combine the two errands), the mechanic called with news that a defective part was delivered and they’re still waiting and i’m still waiting and the car won’t be ready until wednesday, maybe thursday, now friday…how long are homemade brownies good for anyway?