feelings

tuesday chat

Normally, our calls are brief and cover the weather and who traveled where, but her new surroundings are still too unusual for comfort and my voice is familiar and we were both loath to hang up.

My soft voice competed against her TV which was set to volume ALL THE NOISE. After the fifth time she asked, I stopped folding my laundry and turned my TV to the same channel. “It’s like we’re in the same room together,” I said.

Her laugh sounded less lonely. “I’m a lifelong Republican,” Maga said. “But I’m not so sure about this situation.”

Politics are never something we discuss, nor are they something I’m very interested in, but this time I couldn’t hold back my distaste for the Republican candidate. “Oh good,” she said. “I agree. I’m glad you said it first. Oh, it says his son and daughter are going to speak.”

“He has a lot of children. Which ones are talking?”

She rambled off some names I didn’t recognize. “Well, this isn’t his first marriage. He has a lot of kids. You know, it makes his stance on marriage sound a little…”

“Phony,” she filled in.

My grin lit up the room. Her mind so sharp in that moment.

“My screen went black and there are three fuzzy lines. What’s that?”

“How’s the weather there? Storms?”

“Oh, yes!”

And sure enough the emergency signal sounded on her TV and also directly in my ear (it really was like we were in the same room). She read me the warning about potential for flash floods. “It really is creepy here.”

“Were you able to bring any pictures from home?”

“Oh, yes. The one of Buck that your uncle painted. It was above the fireplace. And I have some others from the living room.”

“What about photos?”

“Of what?”

“Us! Your family!”

“Oh, of course. Tons.” Her voice trailed off. “It really is creepy here. So many old people who look and act old.”

“There must be at least one good thing…? Living all on one level?”

“Yes, that is really comfortable and nice.”

“The food?”

“They serve too much. And food they serve to the masses isn’t like a home cooked meal. And the dinner hours are not what I’m used to. And there are old people here. I have to look at them all during meals.”

I bit back a laugh. “Well, what about activities? Are there any of those?”

“Oh, yes. I played bridge today.”

“Fun! That’s so great! Tell me you won?”

“No, my partner and I lost.”

She gave me a breakdown of the three people she spent an hour with while I did my best to direct the conversation up and up and up towards the sunshine instead of the storm clouds, even though they were literally gathering outside.

feelings

today

I ran for 10 minutes today. I was feeling weak and strong and hot. It was really hot. I procrastinated and a sun on full power was my reward. This was the longest I’d run since surgery. My physical therapist prescribed a 5 minute run to test things out. I took it slow and steady and felt good and tired and weird and heavy.

A guy was stretching on the side of the bike path, his arms, back, and two prosthetic legs dappled with shade.

I stopped feeling sorry for making the choice that led me to have a bum toe and a deposit of “bone dust” in my arch and jogged alongside the lingering pain in my foot, happy to have it as company.

feelings

night noises

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“It’s kind of spooky,” Maga said. The nighttime. The loneliness. The new location she calls home. I understood. That monster they call loneliness eats away at you.

“First time I’ve ever been alone,” she said. “First, there was Jobo. Then the caregivers. I guess I’ve got to learn how to be a grown up.”

“Me too!”

“You’re how old?”

“35.”

“I’m 95, you know.”

“I guess I’ve got a long way to go if you’re still trying to figure it out. Any words of advice?”

“Be strong and brave. You’ll get through it if you’re doing that.”

Her voice may have been unsteady, but her words were not. And she was right. The nighttime. The loneliness. We’ll get through it.

feelings

friday thoughts

Honeysuckle drenched summer nights.

I love this book + its audiobook.

This iphone charger is my favorite.

This series of books by Linda Grimes is so consistently hilarious and well written and I want everyone to read them.

“The pain won’t lessen in intensity, but will lessen in frequency.” Here’s to an unusual healing style.

A father’s thoughts on HAMILTON, the musical + making his teen daughter’s dream come true.

My kingdom for tickets to HAMILTON.

This recipe might be the one that gets me to try zoodles. If only I had that gadget to help.

Plan C coming together for upcoming international travel.

This.

Today, for the first time in exactly 7 weeks, I walked all the way to work.

feelings

#MumfordsinMA

Last week, Sis-in-Law M and Niece M arrived in the wee hours of the morning and battled back the startlingly huge heap of loneliness that had engulfed me since I regained independence post foot surgery.

It was their first time visiting Boston. Familiar faces in a familiar city, but yet, an unfamiliar pairing.

They saw me and my apartment with new eyes. I saw my city with new eyes. They traveled to places they’d never been before. I traveled to places I’d been before, but with an unsteady gait. Sightseeing redefined.

We shared stories and laughter and pictures and food and directions and expectations and cabs and bus schedules and a bucket full of coke in a souvenir Fenway cup. Art museums x2 and empty frames and my own wall of art showcasing Niece M’s talent and jelly candy crush and emojis and Fenway and an almost no-hitter and my walking cast and waiting waiting waiting for public transportation and quiet nights in and comfy clothes and cards and movies and talking and learning and being in the same time zone as my long distance family.

Doing the most family of family things: spending time together. A gift not un- or under-appreciated.

Happy.

Our time together was more limited than originally planned (due to my slowly healing foot), but we made the most of the time we did have. It was within those minutes and hours together that the daily details of our lives were revealed. Questions asked and answered and bit by bit understanding took shape. Overlapping old memories and stories. New memories and stories. Learning who they are now and who I am and what they would be doing right now if they were home. Picturing them there. Reveling in them here.

Honesty. Lots of honesty.

In the wee hours of another morning, my ears heard a rustling and my bleary eyes saw motion. “Sorry sorry sorry,” I stage whispered as turned on all the kitchen lights. “I think I saw a mouse.”Having woken up on the air mattress on the floor, aka way closer than I ever wanted to be to a mouse, I stood on the misplaced ottoman and vowed never to touch the floor again. My hands jittered and I typed all caps lock messages to my super and the girls offered encouragement from the safety of the bed.”Gross gross gross gross gross.” I aimed my flashlight at the stove the likely place of entrance/escape and hoped mice were afraid of light. My stomach swirled and churned. Part mouse related, part “the girls are leaving me soon” related. I turned off the flashlight and grabbed a bowl to throw at the mouse should it reappear.

It made sense at the time. #Exhaustion.

Floor and counter spaces opened up as they collected their things. The emptiness of my apartment echoed in my heart. I guess, at least, I have the mouse for company?!

And potentially a cat. Yes. I’m definitely getting a cat now. Immediately.

Families. Tricky sticky bunches of love. I want all of it and more of it and why can’t we all live in the same neighborhood and be loud and messy and in each other’s business and see each other all the time and be so intermingled unfamiliarity is a word that only has meaning in a foreign language.