Archive for April, 2015

manipulation

April 17, 2015

Nurse: “Do your veins move?” Me: “They never have before.” Nurse: “Well, that one just did. I’m going to have to stick you again.” My veins were jealous of the cross town move my body went through and they decided to join in on the action.

A seasickness patch is effective not just on the sea, but on a surgical gurney as well.

In a freezing room full of people and me with wires and tubes and masks and needles, loneliness and fear echoed louder than my heartbeat and time hid in the corner and memories ceased to exist.

Me texting C that I was in recovery and could she come sit with me: “The nurse said this would be like a drinker text.”

There are no restrictions on my recovery and full movement is encouraged. “Good thing,” I said to my doctor, “I’m signed up for the marathon on Monday.”

piece by piece

April 13, 2015

“find one thing in each room that you love. focus on that.”

teal towels. hooks in the closet. shoe shelf. floral pillow with pops of teal and yellow. my bookshelf. a mostly consistent color scheme. focusing on the tiny pieces has allowed my love to grow to a full sized studio apartment.

unpacked

April 7, 2015

i’m all unpacked, and yet, i’m still unsettled. i crisscross the floor looking for scissors, a scarf, a cutting board, a bowl, tape. the unsteady pattern of trying to undo the memories of the previous apartment’s layout. the clicks and clangs and whistles and creaks come from unsuspecting spots. nothing is familiar even though it’s all the same furniture, clothes, dishes, toothbrush, shoes as before.

and it’s like all the heat i was denied the previous four winters was stored here and has been unleashed for me now.

ferociously lonely

April 6, 2015

this is a feeling i get every easter sunday, or more specifically, every time my family comes to visit and has to leave me behind.

because we spend the weekend crammed together. because we laugh. because we bicker. because we know each other so well. because we push, we pull, we wait, we love. because they’re comfortable. because when they’re around, they make me forget i can do it all on my own and when they leave and take my heart with them, it takes time to regain the independence i usually maintain on a daily basis. because when they leave, it makes me realize i can do it on my own, but i don’t want to.

and yet, i have to.

which is why i’m fortunate to have such interludes of safety nets and local family and togetherness.