feelings

wednesday

i forgot my socks. i’ve never done anything athletic without socks but my opponent was waiting on me. i shoved my feet in my shoes, cranked the laces tight, and headed to the squash court. i’ve never beaten this particular player, so i proceed without any expectations other than to try to win at least a few points every game. it’s a liberating thing going into an event knowing you’re going to fail, but doing it anyways. trying your hardest regardless.

i won two of the five games. a PR! and that fifth game, the rubber match, he really had to work. he showcased how good he is so i didn’t stand a chance, but he was trying. this wasn’t a pity game.

maybe i should forget my socks more often?

feelings

west coast freelance children

M is sweet, so sweet, and on the other hand, fouls out of her basketball game. perfection. her competitive side is all mumford. she is statuesque and silly and the perfect height for hugs. she gets lost in hogwarts. she is hard on herself. she checks in on L when he cries. she and A battle over cards and video games, but then lose their breath laughing at each other. she is a delight. she is a texting machine. she is the first born.

A is a sponge for love and video games. anytime there’s a hug to be given or a glowing TV or tablet or phone screen, he’s a moth to that flame. he trains with nun-chucks. he tickles my sides with dagger-like fingers. lunch is his favorite subject. he hates writing, but willing spent 90 minutes with me going over his paper, adding in details, standing his ground when he thought the boy in his story would say goodbye before hanging up the phone despite me saying the goodbye was implied. he teaches me tae kwan do and five crowns and facts about the space needle. he is the middle child.

L is up for anything at any time: a card game, a starbucks run, a chihuly exhibit, four square, pass, catch, but he hovers near his dad when we go to the top of the space needle. he’s goofy and serious and daring and fast. his trash talking during our game of war is legendary. he’ll deliver handfuls of m&ms to you because even though it isn’t his turn for a treat, he wants to be involved. he is the youngest.

these kids are turning out spectacularly thanks to gargantuan efforts from their parents to be good parents, to have a solid marriage, and to better themselves as individuals. they are the foundation for these kids to stand on and they’re doing it right.

well, except for the part where they live on the opposite coast.

feelings

bits and pieces

it only took seven days in the suburbs of seattle for me to become impervious to rain. i walked out tonight into the drizzle and didn’t dash back inside for an umbrella. i put my hood up and continued onward. if only east coast rain would adopt this west coast attitude.

maga told me tonight: “nana [my great-grandmother] loved to write. she was a great letter writer. she enjoyed writing. she really did. i have no doubt you inherited that from her.”

i am a jumble of thinking and feeling and missing and wanting from my recent trip. i need a colander to sort through it all. i also want my family not to be so far flung because they are awesome and i want them near me every day.

general

thankful

i’m thankful for a full house, no privacy, constant action, tae kwan do practice, new recipes, new heights, long walks, laughter, generations of family, seeing how I’m like my mother, sister E is like brother G, niece MMM is like sister E, learning, reading, goodnight hugs, our hearts all beat with the same blood.

me: “why are there 2 girls and 4 boys in that dance?” nephew A: “because there are.” when did he become the adult with the short clipped answers and when did i become the kid with the pointless questions?

different time zone. different climate. same crazy morning bed head.

chihuly exhibit. swirls of glass. sunbursts of glass. cotton candy puffs of glass. an ocean of glass. a mountain of talent. all made by the breath and touch of humans. gasps of awe stuck in my throat. daytime light vs twilight. seeing the same things drenched in a different perspective.

feelings

misplaced dreams

i stood there in between two columns of men, both realtors, both talking shop. back and forth my head swiveled like at a tennis match. “what you need is an emotional seller,” he (not my realtor) said. “someone who wants their home not to go to an investor.” i agreed but this day, this market? they’ve always gone with the highest bid, not the highest sympathy bid. i’m placing bets on unicorns.

a sunday day of massive productivity equaled a night where my brain wouldn’t shut off and the dreams spilled from one into the next into the next into the next into my consciousness. i wished i could stay awake because it’d be more restful than those dreams of heavy handfuls of lotion, of late arrivals, of misplaced clothes, of delayed planes, of walking with a limp.

i was doctoring my decaf americano when i heard, “oh, [bleep].” his voice was louder than it needed to be, but a quick glance over revealed he had earbuds in. the top of the honey bottle was now in his coffee and without a top to stop it, the rest of the honey in the bottle was galloping into his cup. he fished it out with one of the wooden coffee stirrers and returned it to an employee. i suppose this rainy day needed some extra sweetness.

i thought the rain was supposed to stop hours ago.