Tag: help!

feelings

the change monster

abby mumford

sitting in the house which sits in the town which houses the high school i went to, i’m struck by all the things that have changed since i graduated. new faces (BFs, GFs, husbands, wives, babies), new cars, new clothes, new developments, new responsibilities, new money, new conversations, new roads, and new jobs have expanded and enriched my life and my relationships, and i can’t help but wonder in what ways am i different and in what ways am i still the same?

i’m still shy, but around those who know me best, there are often times when they can’t shut me up.

i’m still athletically inclined, but instead of two hours practices six days a week, i’m lucky to hit three miles three times a week.

i still love to read and i still sneak it in anytime any place.

i still adore children, but the more i learn about childbirth, the more freaked out i get. (holy cow, women are amazing and brave creatures.)

i still dream of being a writer, but now my daydreams are interspersed with the hard work needed to get there.

i have more responsibilities, more bills, more memories, more family members and more friends, but how much of my core self has changed? how much of it should have? i have different habits and different focuses, but i’m still bad at math, still bound to get hopelessly lost, and still fiercely loyal to those who work their way past my armor. two of the three of those would be nice to get better at, but if i put all my energy into learning my times tables (ha, kidding, i totally know 7 x 8 is 56), maybe it’d take away the spare moments i have to catch up with friends and family and is that really worth it?

can we ever completely change? is that really necessary? is it possible to fix your flaws while maintaining your essence of good? how do we decide what needs to change and what’s okay to remain the same? how do you know which is which? is it all trial and error?

will i ever like pineapples?

i obviously don’t have the answers, just the questions. if you’ve got some answers, go ahead and share. please and thank you.

general

like sands through the hourglass…

abby mumford

we’ve all been there WAITING for the phone to ring, for the job offer, for the sun to shine, for the letter of acceptance, for the light to change, for the plane to take off, for the time to speak up, for dinner to be ready, for the doorbell to ring, for the words to develop, for the text to buzz through, for the medicine to kick in, for him to make his move, for sleep to come, for the email to show up, for the company to arrive, for the time to be right, for the shadows to dissipate, for the traffic to clear, for the whistle to blow, for the other shoe to drop.

the question is, what do you do while waiting? how do you keep yourself busy when all you want to do is watch the pot boil? how do you deal with the lack of control over events that could shape for your life? how do you keep your mind on track when all it wants to do is daydream? how do you keep up the momentum when you must wait for other words to marinate?

how do YOU wait patiently?

convos with strangers

conversations with strangers #13

abby mumford

you shouldn’t talk to strangers. here’s why i’m going against what my mom taught me.

me: can i have a decaf, non-fat mocha?

him: you sure can. *rings in order*

me: *looks through purse for wallet*

him: how are you today?

me: *oblivious to the fact the question is directed at me*

him: *repeats question*

me: *looks behind to confirm he is talking to me*

him: *laughs* you are all *imitates my startled face*

me: i don’t know why i didn’t realize you were talking to me. i’m doing well, thanks. and you?

him: maybe we should switch that order to caffeinated?

me: valid point, but my stomach prefers the decaf.  (*thinks to self* self, did you just admit too much?)

him: have a good day.

me: you too.

and as i waited for my drink to be made, i pondered my confusion. was it the fact he asked me how i was doing after he took my order? was it my level of tiredness? why didn’t i realize he was talking to me? have you ever revealed too much information to a stranger? have you ever been a part of a conversation you didn’t realize was taking place?

writing

habit forming

abby mumford

as i stood there, gravity forcing me to the side, and the guy next to me politely and discreetly offering his shoulder for balance, i couldn’t help but think, “how’d i becoming one of those unbalanced, newbie T riders?”

the truth of the matter is i don’t ride the T much anymore. i live and work on the same side of the river thus removing my need for daily subway rides and turning me into an uneasy rider. i can’t seem to remember when to bend my knees, when to lean against the curve vs. when to lean into it, all of which used to be second nature. back in the day, i could listen to my ipod and read a book and still remain solidly in place, but now because of disuse my T riding habits have gotten rusty.

which left me thinking about my writing habits… previously, i was only writing when the mood struck, not when the word count needed to be up, but since i’m now in the “disaster draft” stage of writing (as coined by bria quinlan), i need to be writing as often as i can.

i’m working hard to develop habits that resemble a professional.

even though i have been writing more regularly, it’s important to remember that just because i’m setting up these habits now, it doesn’t excuse me from hard work. even if it’s only 400 words a night, it’s reinforcing that pattern of sitting my butt in the chair and writing. i’d rather my joints get rusty from sitting too long than my words from non-use.

another way to make sure habits take hold is accountability.

one way is to have write-ins with friends. another way is to announce my goals on twitter because the twitterati always and randomly show up to support and challenge me. it’s that whole team mentality. it’s easier for me to get something done if i know there’s a deadline, but self-imposed deadlines (which are all i have right now) only work so well.

the solution is that i’m training myself to be more open about my actions so that the proper people (or improper if the case may be) can offer support and guidance and cheerleading.

and i’ll continue to hope that when life (or the T) takes an unexpected turn and my good habits take a nose dive, there will be a shoulder to lean on (thanks, random guy on the T) or someone to calm the panic (thanks, bria) or the saying “old habits die hard” comes true.

how do you feel about habits — are there any that can be unlearned? re-learned? do you have any you wish you didn’t? any you wish you did?

feelings

red faced and hot footed

abby mumford

after my lackadaisical post on tuesday, i figure i owe you one. a good one. how about an embarrassing story?

i’m walking to my car after my yearly physical (note: i’m a bit flustered after all that poking and prodding) when i notice a car idling nearby, so i jump in and pull mine out of the way. (we all know that excitement upon finding a parking spot + i hate keeping people waiting = me rushing.)  i continue driving down the one way road and turn left at the light, but in my slightly incoherent state, forget to make another, essential, left.

and just like that, i’m lost in kendall square.

i’m not really lost.

i recognize my surroundings, which is saying a lot for this geographically challenged gal, but i can’t quite figure out the minor detail of which direction to go. at one point i consider rolling down the window and calling out my friend L’s name. she works nearby. she could rescue me. alas, the saving of the damsel in distress fell to the damsel in distress.

i catch sight of the Pru and phew! i know what to do. i want to be going away from it, not towards. i quickly fix that mistake and am patiently waiting to turn left at the next light. it turns green. no left arrow pops up, but yet no one is moving on the other side, so i go. and then so do the other cars. AHHHHHHHHH TURN NOW TURN NOW TURN NOW QUICKLY TURN NOW TURN TURN TURN TURN is a small sample of my thought process and then i’m turning and OMG OMG OMG IS THIS A, OH YES IT IS, HELP! ME! I CAN’T STOP! STUPID PHYSICS AND INERTIA AND AHHHHHH, I’M IN MOTION AND I CAN’T STOP AND CARS CARS CARS AHHH!

(allow me to translate my hysterics: the place where i turn? it’s a double lane, i.e. i just turned INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC.) (consider me a lot flustered.)

i may be a woman. i may have blonde hair. i may not drive all that much in the city BUT I HAVE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE. i am half laughing and half hyperventilating and fully unwilling to make eye contact with the guy who’s sitting in the car i turn next to. i can only imagine the expression on my face as i consider continuing down the road to a place i can turn around OR driving over the median in the road OR wait, i could just turn around right here right now. there are three things that support this decision. (1) they have a red light,  (2) there is no one in the second lane, so voila, room to turn around, (3) common sense.

i execute the perfect three point turn (the return of my good driving skills, phew!) and when a break in traffic comes, i drive  to the correct side of the road and just like that, i’m at work in less than 10 minutes.

admittedly though, still shaking.

i told you mine, now you tell me yours.